Writing for Survival

I’m writing while I can, as much as I can. For several weeks, each day has brought turmoil, including a HUGE decrease in my Social Security Disability Income (SSDI) leading to facing homelessness AND not being able to afford my best friend and life mate, Jireh (my Service Dog), news that my mother (from whom I have spent half of my adult life estranged) was in serious condition in the hospital, lost a couple close friends, had a cousin die from drug overdose, I fell in front of an oncoming car (hurting myself and almost getting run over), and the list goes on. Having numerous debilitating medical issues (most of which are exacerbated by stress), I truly feel like I can have a heart attack at any moment. For the past two weeks, my health has been chronically declining.

When I received the notice about the cut in my income with June being the hardest month as they were taking out their overpayments in addition to my reduced monthly income, my strong faith cracked. I have supported myself for the past 30 years as I have no contact with relatives. I’m a fighter as I am equipped with God’s strength and wisdom within me. Having the gift of writing, I assured my close friends if I can pay June’s bills, I can find writing jobs to supplement my income starting in July.

After all, Harry Potter book series J.K. Rowling lived in extreme poverty, receiving food stamps, until her books were published. Living in poverty changes people as Rowling states, The very best thing her wealth has given her, she wrote on her website, is the absence of worry. “I have not forgotten what it feels like to worry whether you’ll have enough money to pay the bills. Not to have to think about that anymore is the biggest luxury in the world.”

According to the website, http://www.businessinsider.com,

Living in a cramped apartment with her daughter, jobless and penniless, Rowling fell into a deep depression and admits she even considered suicide. She was forced to rely on state benefits and spent much of her time writing “Harry Potter” in cafés with Jessica sleeping in the pram next to her.

I’ve been there. I think I still am. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and Crohn’s have all held me hostage in the bathroom the past month with concerns about bills, losing friends who think I am a loser freeloader. I feel like a burden most of the time. If I hadn’t had my personal relationship with Jesus, I would either be on drugs, homeless or dead. Each day that I am puking my guts out simultaneously while losing my bowels day after day, all I can think about is I am losing time not writing. July will be here soon. So, today, I wanted to write about having peace beyond understanding because I trust God.

Instead, I am rolled up in a ball on the floor writing on my tablet so I can write how even Christians have mental health issues. And they cannot just be “prayed away” although prayer certainly changes things. In between my night terrors about being homeless and having to live on the street, I am writing AS MUCH AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE my book about being real. About following your convictions so you can look in the mirror, which is why I told an editor last night to take my article down because they changed my wording and it did not reflect my ultimate goal of giving all glory to God. (The byline included my personal blog where I could eventually generate income if I get enough readers.)

I’m not giving up I will write my books every day, all day, getting published and out of poverty. My God has never failed me, and never will. In fact, this post will be another chapter in my book, The Christian Bohemian, Not Your Conventional Christian.

Staying Focussed On God

I made the mistake of reaching out to a friend to let her know I am thinking of her. BIG MISTAKE.

Let me save you all some trouble by sharing how it started:
ME- Been checking on you re: facing this hard anniversary. Just wanted you to know you’re on my heart.

SHE- responds by saying how sorry she is I am going through this…

*I truly appreciate people’s care and concern. God has me. Without worldly input, I have peace beyond understanding. I get most people don’t understand.

So I RESPOND-
I just want people to see God’s peace and strength within me during this time of uncertainty. I don’t want people worrying about me because God will provide. June will be the hardest month as they are talking out what they overpaid me. I will only have enough for rent and Jireh’s flea meds. When (not if) God covers June’s bills, I will be okay.

It went downhill after that. In fact, it really got ugly. I was insulated by her response, to say the least.

Out of respect for the other party, I won’t explain in detail my response. I explained why I fully rely on God when in a crisis. The world distracts me. I was wrong to reach out to anyone other than people who understand my relationship with God.

With that said, I am going back in isolation from the world. Just as mom told me I wasn’t a Christian for studying to be a psychologist and Mark told me I wasn’t a Christian if I was so depressed… once again, I was just told I wasn’t Christian. I realize that is how people believe they will hurt me most.

Just a note… You would have a better chance at convincing me I am a boy versus I am not Christian.

 

 

 

Watch “Possibility of Losing Independence” on YouTube

Click Here

Ever wonder how I take care of myself on my own? I rely on God and a couple close Christian friends. This video shows the PERFECT example why… in real time.

People who do not understand my relationship with God do not realize He takes care of me. He has me.

I do not understand how people stay sane without a relationship with Him.

Good Company

My Crohn’s Disease has me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Thankful I get to stay home and work. The car tire I waited until I got my SSDI to buy turned into hearing the $60 bill turned into $175, needing two tires. AND my other two tires are so old, the rubber can separate any time, thus I was instructed not to drive until I get 2 more tires. Yet, it is miraculous my tires did not blow out when driving 80 mph on my recent road trip. My AC needs coolant yet I am safe in my own place. There are a few other serious problems going on that appear catastrophic, needing urgent attention.

Depression and anxiety should be on full throttle. I admit, for a few hours, I was freaking out.

Then I went to Jesus in prayer. He showed me (again!) how perspective is everything. Enjoying God’s presence instead of focusing on my current circumstances has me writing and studying Scripture has me at peace. I read my friend’s blog about how she was having such a bad day, until she realized God is walking with her, showing His love, mercy and grace. She quotes several verses which turn her heart to focus on the eternal. Jessie at The Hope Filled Life –  http://www.thehopefilledlife.blogspot.com is such encouragement to me as she finds joy even in the hard times because she has Jesus with her wherever she goes. She admits to her frustrations, yet like David writes in Psalms, her sorrow always turns to joy as she connects with Him. I love being around her because she overflows with the love and character of Jesus. It’s so refreshing to be around her!

My friend, Karen, is the same way. Karen and I have a contest over who has the most debilitating medical issues. She has serious hidden health conditions, yet she tells me she feels inadequate to write a book on faith because she doesn’t have significant problems. Um, yes she does but because she is indwelt by the Spirit of Jesus, she is so grateful to have His presence in her life.
I love hanging out with positive people, like Jessie and Karen, because they show me how irrelevant my problems are in the scheme of things. Most of all, I love spending entire days having quiet times with Jesus. I mean, come on! How can I be discouraged when I get to spend the day with my Savior?

He is Risen

I am reading Matthew 26:36-44. He was depressed to the point of death at Gethsemane. He asked the disciples THREE TIMES to pray for Him. They did not understand, and fell asleep. They did not understand the pain He was enduring. Yet He still went to the Father, face to the ground, praying, BEGGING, if there was any other way… PLEASE let the cup pass by… but if there was no way except His crucifixion, THY WILL BE DONE. No one understood Him… except His Father. And Jesus suffered on that cross as a sacrifice once and for ALL. Oh, how I love Him. He understands.

Lonely

Next chapter, moving on, after successfully completing the recent stage of life, God has given me a sign, a photo, of going higher. Like Maslow’s hierarchy, God has graciously advanced me to the next level. For me to hold on to that which is familiar is the antithesis of who I am.

Discovering my most controversial life decision was respected by my earthly father and Heavenly Father points me to an uncharted path made just for me.
Honored, yet humbled God chose me for this journey, I draw closer than ever to Him. Listening to Him, spending quality time with Jesus, and obeying when prompted, enables me to be singleminded on Him. No distractions from people on a different journey. That is comparable to asking individuals on the path behind me for directions. Come to think of it, reaching out to friends for help is counterproductive to the growing process if they have never been where I am going. God knows the way, and without the input of others, it is easier to hear His voice.
I am lonely, which is unusual for me as I am always comforted by the Lord’s presence. Maybe part of me is mourning the life I once had… or thought I had. Maybe uncertainty is preventing me from taking that next step, the next level.
A level where my mind stays focused on what truly matters, rather than things of this earth. I’m sure once I get accustomed to the next phase, I will enjoy and savor the changes. There may be new friends to meet who relate to my mindset. Or it may just be a more intimate relationship with Jesus. I am never a burden to Him. He loves spending time with me and is never too busy.
I need to feel that right now. I need to feel His comfort.