No More Writing Articles

I am so mad “The Mighty” keeps publishing this article with my name on it, I can only paste comments.

Replied to publisher –

No, I am not excited. I requested you take this down because of the numerous misrepresentations. Believe me… NO ONE MADE FUN OF ME IN SCHOOL! Parents, peers, and siblings need to know the importance of supporting the child with a disability. My friends would beat up anyone who made fun of me, so no one did.

Second, doctors did not tell me what aging would do to my body. They still don’t know, and are amazed I am still alive! Parents need to know NOT to listen to professionals. They know their child better than doctors.

Your article was NOT written by me. In fact, it goes against EVERYTHING I advocate against.

I will NOT be writing for you again.

Shelly Weiss, Ed.S.

Writing for Survival

I’m writing while I can, as much as I can. For several weeks, each day has brought turmoil, including a HUGE decrease in my Social Security Disability Income (SSDI) leading to facing homelessness AND not being able to afford my best friend and life mate, Jireh (my Service Dog), news that my mother (from whom I have spent half of my adult life estranged) was in serious condition in the hospital, lost a couple close friends, had a cousin die from drug overdose, I fell in front of an oncoming car (hurting myself and almost getting run over), and the list goes on. Having numerous debilitating medical issues (most of which are exacerbated by stress), I truly feel like I can have a heart attack at any moment. For the past two weeks, my health has been chronically declining.

When I received the notice about the cut in my income with June being the hardest month as they were taking out their overpayments in addition to my reduced monthly income, my strong faith cracked. I have supported myself for the past 30 years as I have no contact with relatives. I’m a fighter as I am equipped with God’s strength and wisdom within me. Having the gift of writing, I assured my close friends if I can pay June’s bills, I can find writing jobs to supplement my income starting in July.

After all, Harry Potter book series J.K. Rowling lived in extreme poverty, receiving food stamps, until her books were published. Living in poverty changes people as Rowling states, The very best thing her wealth has given her, she wrote on her website, is the absence of worry. “I have not forgotten what it feels like to worry whether you’ll have enough money to pay the bills. Not to have to think about that anymore is the biggest luxury in the world.”

According to the website, http://www.businessinsider.com,

Living in a cramped apartment with her daughter, jobless and penniless, Rowling fell into a deep depression and admits she even considered suicide. She was forced to rely on state benefits and spent much of her time writing “Harry Potter” in cafés with Jessica sleeping in the pram next to her.

I’ve been there. I think I still am. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and Crohn’s have all held me hostage in the bathroom the past month with concerns about bills, losing friends who think I am a loser freeloader. I feel like a burden most of the time. If I hadn’t had my personal relationship with Jesus, I would either be on drugs, homeless or dead. Each day that I am puking my guts out simultaneously while losing my bowels day after day, all I can think about is I am losing time not writing. July will be here soon. So, today, I wanted to write about having peace beyond understanding because I trust God.

Instead, I am rolled up in a ball on the floor writing on my tablet so I can write how even Christians have mental health issues. And they cannot just be “prayed away” although prayer certainly changes things. In between my night terrors about being homeless and having to live on the street, I am writing AS MUCH AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE my book about being real. About following your convictions so you can look in the mirror, which is why I told an editor last night to take my article down because they changed my wording and it did not reflect my ultimate goal of giving all glory to God. (The byline included my personal blog where I could eventually generate income if I get enough readers.)

I’m not giving up I will write my books every day, all day, getting published and out of poverty. My God has never failed me, and never will. In fact, this post will be another chapter in my book, The Christian Bohemian, Not Your Conventional Christian.

So Scared

I am literally feeling like I am having a heart attack over this financial situation. I found out my neighbor who is also on Social Security Income is gone… he’s living on the streets. This is becoming so real to me.

I know I am a good writer. Somehow, I feel insecure about my writing when applying for paid writing jobs. I have assured my friends who are helping financially that I will find a freelance job by July. I have a list of websites looking for writers. I want to write for Christianity Today and other Christian websites… now, I am adding Disability sources for which to apply.

Why can’t I submit my query letter and application? I’m so scared. I am scared I won’t get a job and my friends will regret helping me. I am of being viewed as a moocher. I am afraid of homeless. I can’t calm down.

I wish my old mom was still around. I feel so alone, and I feel bad not keeping my faith. I want to escape by getting Xanax and drunk. I know it won’t solve anything, yet I can’t calm down.

He Provides

Since I have had to go on Disability, I have dreaded paydays. My bills overshadow the income, even on my minalmist lifestyle. Naturally, I feel alone, helpless, and like a failure being this limited at my age. Knowing the smallest emergency can impede my ability to provide for myself frightens me into a severe panic attack, as well as a Crohn’s Disease flare up.

For example, I had a bad fall on a cement parking lot two weeks ago. Within days, my hand became swollen and infectious. A few of my friends gave me the same advice- go to the doctor . I was too prideful to confess that wasn’t an option since I had no money for the copayment, nevermind money for an antibiotic. Plus, I had a feeling I would need X-rays, leading to a radiology bill.

I stopped going out around friends and when asked, proclaimed my hand was much better. Someone asked if I had a fever when I made a comment about MRSA. Embarrassed, I admitted I did not own a thermometer. Basically, I live like a squatter. There was a time when I had more than the minimal survival tools and money in the bank. But that was before my mental breakdown in 2008 when I donated everything I owned to charity and lived out of my car for periods of time.

Since I was making decisions from survival mode, my estranged relatives (who never believed in psychology, which I found out upon declaring my major in college was Psychology), likely had images of me being carried away in a straight jacket by men in white coats, kept their distance more than ever. My church and friends pretty much followed along, leaving me all alone… but Jesus stayed. In fact, He pulled me closer. This was time He made Himself clearly known to me.

I had nothing… I had no one… except I had Jesus… and with Him came an unspeakable peace and comfort surpassing all understanding. Since then, I have had all I TRULY needed.

The past ten years haven’t been the easiest, but they have been the best as I have been forced to depend on Jesus, my Savior. He has never abandoned me, even when I try to run away from Him. I have gone without food, medical care, heat, and family.

It has all been worth it to me. If I hadn’t lost everything, I would have missed out on this priceless relationship with Christ. I have learned to trust Him completely. The more I walk with Him, the more He blesses me.

So today when I sat down to figure out which bill I would have to put off, somehow, my SSDI covered all of my basic needs. Wow! Unbelievable. Well, unbelievable to non-believers, but for me… I looked up and imagined Jesus smiling at me. After all, He is Jehovah Jireh … My Provider.

Good Company

My Crohn’s Disease has me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Thankful I get to stay home and work. The car tire I waited until I got my SSDI to buy turned into hearing the $60 bill turned into $175, needing two tires. AND my other two tires are so old, the rubber can separate any time, thus I was instructed not to drive until I get 2 more tires. Yet, it is miraculous my tires did not blow out when driving 80 mph on my recent road trip. My AC needs coolant yet I am safe in my own place. There are a few other serious problems going on that appear catastrophic, needing urgent attention.

Depression and anxiety should be on full throttle. I admit, for a few hours, I was freaking out.

Then I went to Jesus in prayer. He showed me (again!) how perspective is everything. Enjoying God’s presence instead of focusing on my current circumstances has me writing and studying Scripture has me at peace. I read my friend’s blog about how she was having such a bad day, until she realized God is walking with her, showing His love, mercy and grace. She quotes several verses which turn her heart to focus on the eternal. Jessie at The Hope Filled Life –  http://www.thehopefilledlife.blogspot.com is such encouragement to me as she finds joy even in the hard times because she has Jesus with her wherever she goes. She admits to her frustrations, yet like David writes in Psalms, her sorrow always turns to joy as she connects with Him. I love being around her because she overflows with the love and character of Jesus. It’s so refreshing to be around her!

My friend, Karen, is the same way. Karen and I have a contest over who has the most debilitating medical issues. She has serious hidden health conditions, yet she tells me she feels inadequate to write a book on faith because she doesn’t have significant problems. Um, yes she does but because she is indwelt by the Spirit of Jesus, she is so grateful to have His presence in her life.
I love hanging out with positive people, like Jessie and Karen, because they show me how irrelevant my problems are in the scheme of things. Most of all, I love spending entire days having quiet times with Jesus. I mean, come on! How can I be discouraged when I get to spend the day with my Savior?

Crohn’s Disease

Crohns Disease is awful. Diagnosed 32 years ago, and I still hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT! My Crohns impacts my small intestine (the ileum), which currently has a blockage and food cannot pass. Imagine a water hose filled with cement except for a single, miniscule pinhole. All the water back up, causing pressure, while water slowly, continuously flows out of the pinhole. That’s me, right now. Laying around hugging my knees from the pain, wearing a diaper for the leakage.

There is no way to predict when a Crohns attack will occur, nor how long it will last. Causes include spicy foods, lettuce, peanuts, and strangely for me, frappicinos ( I call them “crappicinios”). Surgically removing the blocked area is common, but since the blockage can impact another part of the intestine, I always refuse surgery. The small intestine is 20 feet long, so if I had the blockage removed every time I get sick, I won’t have a small intestine and would need a drainage bag. You can read more information on Healthline and searching for Crohn’s Disease.

For me, there is a direct correlation between stress/emotions and Crohn’s. Having commitments stress me out, even commitments I want to attend. Also, there’s a few interpersonal conflicts occurring with me as I grow into my next chapter.

More soon. For now, I need a nap.

Don’t forget to click on the right hand link of thewritingtherapist.blogspot.com to donate for me to get a needed puppy to train before Jireh retires. Thank you.

Crappy Thing Called Crohns

So I started the year determined to be a full-time freelance writer. I haven’t even written in my planners or bullet journal the past 2 days. My Crohn’s Disease has me planted on the couch. Found this great article comforting me.

With Crohn’s Disease, the Smallest Tasks can be Huge Accomplishments.

Something so simple as intestinal spasms can, rather, DOES dictate every minute of my days. There’s no forewarning, no definitive precautions, nothing. One minute, I feel fine. Five minutes later, I am either keeled over in a ball feeling like my stomach just got hit with a wrecking ball OR sitting/standing with a massive diarrhea explosion in my panties.

Needless to say, I try not to go out in public. I have days where I have to take three showers per day because I make such a mess. My way of attempting to avoid symptoms is to lay still with no movement. When I get up, liquid diahreah leaks out. It’s horrible. I take Dicyclomine, which has lessened my flare ups, but stress triggers Crohn’s.

At age 16, I was diagnosed and doctors have tried putting me on predisone – I won’t go for personal reasons, and cutting the part of my intestines that is impacted – which I refuse because if you keep cutting out the problem site, another flare up appears elsewhere, and soon you’ll have to poop out of a bag.

Crohn’s is when your intestines spasm and form blockages where food can’t pass through, so you vomit and have diarrhea concurrently.

Welcome to my life.