No More Writing Articles

I am so mad “The Mighty” keeps publishing this article with my name on it, I can only paste comments.

Replied to publisher –

No, I am not excited. I requested you take this down because of the numerous misrepresentations. Believe me… NO ONE MADE FUN OF ME IN SCHOOL! Parents, peers, and siblings need to know the importance of supporting the child with a disability. My friends would beat up anyone who made fun of me, so no one did.

Second, doctors did not tell me what aging would do to my body. They still don’t know, and are amazed I am still alive! Parents need to know NOT to listen to professionals. They know their child better than doctors.

Your article was NOT written by me. In fact, it goes against EVERYTHING I advocate against.

I will NOT be writing for you again.

Shelly Weiss, Ed.S.

Writing for Survival

I’m writing while I can, as much as I can. For several weeks, each day has brought turmoil, including a HUGE decrease in my Social Security Disability Income (SSDI) leading to facing homelessness AND not being able to afford my best friend and life mate, Jireh (my Service Dog), news that my mother (from whom I have spent half of my adult life estranged) was in serious condition in the hospital, lost a couple close friends, had a cousin die from drug overdose, I fell in front of an oncoming car (hurting myself and almost getting run over), and the list goes on. Having numerous debilitating medical issues (most of which are exacerbated by stress), I truly feel like I can have a heart attack at any moment. For the past two weeks, my health has been chronically declining.

When I received the notice about the cut in my income with June being the hardest month as they were taking out their overpayments in addition to my reduced monthly income, my strong faith cracked. I have supported myself for the past 30 years as I have no contact with relatives. I’m a fighter as I am equipped with God’s strength and wisdom within me. Having the gift of writing, I assured my close friends if I can pay June’s bills, I can find writing jobs to supplement my income starting in July.

After all, Harry Potter book series J.K. Rowling lived in extreme poverty, receiving food stamps, until her books were published. Living in poverty changes people as Rowling states, The very best thing her wealth has given her, she wrote on her website, is the absence of worry. “I have not forgotten what it feels like to worry whether you’ll have enough money to pay the bills. Not to have to think about that anymore is the biggest luxury in the world.”

According to the website, http://www.businessinsider.com,

Living in a cramped apartment with her daughter, jobless and penniless, Rowling fell into a deep depression and admits she even considered suicide. She was forced to rely on state benefits and spent much of her time writing “Harry Potter” in cafés with Jessica sleeping in the pram next to her.

I’ve been there. I think I still am. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and Crohn’s have all held me hostage in the bathroom the past month with concerns about bills, losing friends who think I am a loser freeloader. I feel like a burden most of the time. If I hadn’t had my personal relationship with Jesus, I would either be on drugs, homeless or dead. Each day that I am puking my guts out simultaneously while losing my bowels day after day, all I can think about is I am losing time not writing. July will be here soon. So, today, I wanted to write about having peace beyond understanding because I trust God.

Instead, I am rolled up in a ball on the floor writing on my tablet so I can write how even Christians have mental health issues. And they cannot just be “prayed away” although prayer certainly changes things. In between my night terrors about being homeless and having to live on the street, I am writing AS MUCH AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE my book about being real. About following your convictions so you can look in the mirror, which is why I told an editor last night to take my article down because they changed my wording and it did not reflect my ultimate goal of giving all glory to God. (The byline included my personal blog where I could eventually generate income if I get enough readers.)

I’m not giving up I will write my books every day, all day, getting published and out of poverty. My God has never failed me, and never will. In fact, this post will be another chapter in my book, The Christian Bohemian, Not Your Conventional Christian.

Created By God

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. -1 Corinthians 15:10

1 Corinthians 15:10 says, “By the grace of God, I am what I am.

I am beautiful, strong, brave, determined, blessed, and loved. None of this is because of my own doing; instead, it is the grace of God within me. Not to say I only have good qualities, because I am a sinner who lives in a fallen world.

As I write this, my heart is racing with severe anxiety and fighting clinical depression. I claim to fully trust God, yet I am beyond miserable believing the lies and negativity in my head. The thoughts go against everything I read in the Bible. They are based on my insecurities and worldly interactions.

I am too strong to be defeated by such evil, ridiculous thoughts. I know better. My Lord takes cares of me, and desires only the best for me. No person or no thing can touch me without His permission. And He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, He loves me so much, my Heavenly Father sent His only Son to die for me. I know this.

Still, shamefully, I try to push through my illnesses on my own, when He has given me everything I need to fulfill His purpose for me. The second part of 1 Corinthians 15:10 says, “I worked harder than all of them- yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”. This is accurate as I have lived a more difficult life than many, I have had times when I have turned away from God, yet He has never left me. The grace of God understands why I need constant reassurance God is who He says He is, and will continuously prove He is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. It is the grace of God who created me, and understands me more than anybody. And He continually gives me grace to hold on and push through another day.

He is Risen

I am reading Matthew 26:36-44. He was depressed to the point of death at Gethsemane. He asked the disciples THREE TIMES to pray for Him. They did not understand, and fell asleep. They did not understand the pain He was enduring. Yet He still went to the Father, face to the ground, praying, BEGGING, if there was any other way… PLEASE let the cup pass by… but if there was no way except His crucifixion, THY WILL BE DONE. No one understood Him… except His Father. And Jesus suffered on that cross as a sacrifice once and for ALL. Oh, how I love Him. He understands.

Lonely

Next chapter, moving on, after successfully completing the recent stage of life, God has given me a sign, a photo, of going higher. Like Maslow’s hierarchy, God has graciously advanced me to the next level. For me to hold on to that which is familiar is the antithesis of who I am.

Discovering my most controversial life decision was respected by my earthly father and Heavenly Father points me to an uncharted path made just for me.
Honored, yet humbled God chose me for this journey, I draw closer than ever to Him. Listening to Him, spending quality time with Jesus, and obeying when prompted, enables me to be singleminded on Him. No distractions from people on a different journey. That is comparable to asking individuals on the path behind me for directions. Come to think of it, reaching out to friends for help is counterproductive to the growing process if they have never been where I am going. God knows the way, and without the input of others, it is easier to hear His voice.
I am lonely, which is unusual for me as I am always comforted by the Lord’s presence. Maybe part of me is mourning the life I once had… or thought I had. Maybe uncertainty is preventing me from taking that next step, the next level.
A level where my mind stays focused on what truly matters, rather than things of this earth. I’m sure once I get accustomed to the next phase, I will enjoy and savor the changes. There may be new friends to meet who relate to my mindset. Or it may just be a more intimate relationship with Jesus. I am never a burden to Him. He loves spending time with me and is never too busy.
I need to feel that right now. I need to feel His comfort.

Growth Hurts

Just like that, Crohn’s and depression is back. I realize growing hurts. Growing sucks. Growing is good, except for the goodbyes. And we must say goodbye to grow, and make room for new friends. No one is at fault. We may walk together our entire lives, and suddenly, there’s a fork in the road. Do you stay loyal to the person who has been by your side, who knows the girl you have been and treats you accordingly? Or do you stay loyal to yourself, making friends who treat you as the person you are growing to be?

I have to stay loyal to me. I will never forget the memories of the past. I also will not force a friendship on those who censor their traumatic experiences from me for fear they will trigger me. And ESPECIALLY when they lie and tell me they are fine, no, GOOD, after a terrible loss has happened. To me, THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A BURDEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO MASK YOUR FEELINGS.

I will not be a burden. I’m taking the road less traveled, the road of authenticity.