Walking the Course

Major task for today was to draft an email to Comgressman Bill Nelson. Really, it was to finish a book review for Tyndale Publishers. Yesterday, I crashed BAD and realized it was because I haven’t been getting out and socializing, being in panic mode, saving every penny. I realized that’s not healthy as I feel so disconnected from my body. Freaky. I HAVE TO get out into the community. So, I took Jireh to Publix, craving ice cream drumsticks and not only did I see several people I knew, drumsticks were BOGO! SCORE! Then I talked with my neighbors who showed me the difference between a MALE and FEMALE Palm Tree! Who knew?! All this in addition to walking Jireh. Everything is going to work out. I have to calm down and trust God.

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

I am trying to keep unwavering faith. For the most part, I make it.

Please tell me everything is going to be fine. I severely panic every now and then. Today I got public assistance to cover June’s electric bill.

June is when they are taking out the entire overpayments. Several friends are helping with June.

After June, my income will be what it was before they raised my rent $70… so I will cut out Sbux, eating out, alcohol, etc.

Unfortunately, I have to renew my car tags and license in August. Plus, my friend got us Def Leppard tickets in Sunrise in August, too. August will be tough to as it’s my birthday month. What matters most is I get to keep Jireh.

God is Never Changing

I found out my SSDI has been cut by $400 due to the changes in the Affordable Care Act. I have no family and cannot live on this decreased wage. While I’m filing an appeal, the decision can take up to 45 days to finalize. I cannot survive on this wage, yet if I can pay June’s bills, I have time to find a freelance writing job. I am humbly asking, if you can help me at all, even $10, please PayPal me at Shellyfsu@gmail.com. Please. I will give all glory to God.

Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day weighed down by depression and severe anxiety. Disbelief, numbness, helplessness, and fear overwhelms me. I know God Is in control. But when I try fixing things myself, I drive myself crazy. I can’t breathe. I can’t function. I become worthless. Staying curled up in a ball isn’t the answer. Nothing gets solved. And I am neglecting life’s mission of glorifying God. Sadly, the opposite happens. I have to stop, breathe, and put things into perspective. The last book I read, “She Reads Truth” prepared me greatly for this season of life. Authors Rachel Meyers and Amanda Bible Williams write how God is our only constant. The world is ever changing.

As I experienced first-hand last week, our lives can be turned upside down at any moment. We ultimately have no security on this earth. God and His Word are our only constant – yesterday, today and tomorrow.

The authors cite verses that should (and often do) calm the chaotic turmoil in my heart, with God’s promises including:
“My peace I give you” – John 14:27
“You will be My people, and I will be your God” – Jeremiah 30:22
“The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God remains forever” – Isaiah 40:8
“Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will never pass away” Matthew 24:35.
And the verses go on and on. The bad news is we can only fully rely on God and His Word. The good news is that is all we need.

My dear friend shared this video with me, reminding me how strong Our Lord is, and how foolish I am not to trust Him with details of my life. Here is the link – Comforting Video

Staying Focussed On God

I made the mistake of reaching out to a friend to let her know I am thinking of her. BIG MISTAKE.

Let me save you all some trouble by sharing how it started:
ME- Been checking on you re: facing this hard anniversary. Just wanted you to know you’re on my heart.

SHE- responds by saying how sorry she is I am going through this…

*I truly appreciate people’s care and concern. God has me. Without worldly input, I have peace beyond understanding. I get most people don’t understand.

So I RESPOND-
I just want people to see God’s peace and strength within me during this time of uncertainty. I don’t want people worrying about me because God will provide. June will be the hardest month as they are talking out what they overpaid me. I will only have enough for rent and Jireh’s flea meds. When (not if) God covers June’s bills, I will be okay.

It went downhill after that. In fact, it really got ugly. I was insulated by her response, to say the least.

Out of respect for the other party, I won’t explain in detail my response. I explained why I fully rely on God when in a crisis. The world distracts me. I was wrong to reach out to anyone other than people who understand my relationship with God.

With that said, I am going back in isolation from the world. Just as mom told me I wasn’t a Christian for studying to be a psychologist and Mark told me I wasn’t a Christian if I was so depressed… once again, I was just told I wasn’t Christian. I realize that is how people believe they will hurt me most.

Just a note… You would have a better chance at convincing me I am a boy versus I am not Christian.

 

 

 

One Step Before the Other

Didn’t want to get out of bed as depression has fully materialized.  All of my mental illnesses have taken up residence, along with Crohn’s Disease. It hurts to live. Reality is sinking in.  Before turning to Jesus, the world took over my thought process. Catastrophic “what if’s” swooping in. I can’t do this.

Seeking  comfort from friends by reading Facebook status updates only made things worse. For example, I checked on a friend who’s facing the anniversary of her mother’s death… oh, she’s fine… she’s counting down to a luxurious vacation. So many negative thoughts revolve around my mind, I decide to take Jireh for a walk before starting my day.

Remembering God challenges me to bring my grievances to Him as He says in Isaiah 1:18, “Come, let us reason together…” I start by complaining about my financial situation, and feel God remind me, Shelly, why are you doubting me? Don’t you remember all the times I took care of you by paying off your car, taking care of your student loans, moving you into a nice apartment when you had nothing and was living out of your car… what about when you quit your counseling job due to having a mental breakdown? How quickly you forget! Trust me, My child. As far as you judging your friend’s trip while mourning her mother’s death, aren’t you being hypocritical as you get angry when people don’t understand why you have unexplainable peace when going through major trials? And about your bitterness that you cannot afford luxurious vacations… I have commanded you to set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:2. Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. –2 Corinthians 4:18. Instead of focusing on temporary things, I want you to finish the work I for which I created you.  As I have said in Colossians 3:23,24 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”.

Of course,  He was right, as always. I watched Jireh spying on squirrels in the magnificent Tallahassee trees, noting God also provided the means for me to relocate to my favorite city. Admiring my neighborhood walk,  I thanked God for my home, then for Jireh being happy and healthy. Now you know why I didn’t allow you to get a new puppy… you would have had to give him up. 

He continued by bringing numerous situations to mind, changing my ungrateful,  bratty attitude to showing me tangible ways He is in control. Trust me, Shelly. You are ready for the next step. Now is the time to put into practice all I have taught you. 

I realized I have spent so many years talking and planning how to use God’s gifts to me, I haven’t followed through until completion. Now is the time. Face it, I don’t have much more time on this earth. I want my life to count.

Holding On

Woke up to resume fight to get Social Security amount back. Found At&t had double charged my account, leaving me with a negative balance again. I am numb. Apathetic. I don’t care.

8:17 a.m. Basically whatever energy I have within is being spent trying not to go insane. Don’t think I have the strength . Functioning on God’s power inside me. Have fallen past the state of depression. Think God is protecting me with this apathy. Yesterday, I was ready to fight. Now that office hours are open, I’ve made phone calls, only to find things worsening. I know God has this, and God has me,
10:03 a.m. Crohn’s Disease is officially on attack mode. My health conditions seem to gather together… having a reunion inside me. Taking over my mind, body… but never my soul.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. – 2 Corinthians 4:16
Nothing can touch my soul. Once I accepted Jesus as Savior in 8th grade, God sent His Spirit into my heart.
3:30 p.m. The fog lingers… My external situation is worsening, I watch the clock move, anxious because I know Cathy will stop Facetiming me when she gets off work at 5pm. We haven’t talked much, yet having her “with me” is what keeps me from hiding in bed. My Agoraphobia, P.T.S.D. and severe anxiety have all showed up. I am okay with Cathy online with me… but what’s going to happen when she has to go take care of her family?
I will read my Bible and write for the rest of the night. I will be easy on myself as I felt God leading me to redefine my ministry today based on Paul’s ministry in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4. That is not much, but it’s progress. Between discovering a new ministry and making necessary phone calls, I have accomplished a lot considering my entire life is in a state of uncertainty. The details will be soon forgotten, but my reaction will remain. I have faith. I trust God. I am taking this one hour at a time, wanting nothing more than to glorify God.

Watch “Possibility of Losing Independence” on YouTube

Click Here

Ever wonder how I take care of myself on my own? I rely on God and a couple close Christian friends. This video shows the PERFECT example why… in real time.

People who do not understand my relationship with God do not realize He takes care of me. He has me.

I do not understand how people stay sane without a relationship with Him.