Arm Yourself

At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. 43 But he said, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.     Luke 4:42,43

Unfortunately, it is 3pm.
I say `unfortunately’ because I have spent the entire day in severe anxiety. Nothing could calm me down. I am ruminating over surviving with the SSDI decrease. Worrying is causing psychosomatic symptoms of a stiff neck, tactile hallucinations, and hopelessness. The “what if’s” keep rolling in. My faith is wavering, which surprises me since I haven’t allowed external circumstances to steal my peace for awhile. This situation is killing me.
After trying numerous remedies to calm down, I finally opened my Bible. There I found comfort as God reminded me I typically start each day studying the Bible for a few hours. Today, I went straight to writing in attempts to generate income. I didn’t make time with God a priority.
Jesus started each day conversing with His Father explaining He had to fulfill His purpose of being sent to proclaim The Gospel. He went to find His duties for each day, and I am sure The Father strengthened Jesus with words of wisdom, a vivid perspective, and encouragement. In other words, meeting with Our Heavenly Father gives us all we need to fight the world’s battles each day.

By neglecting my Quiet Time, I failed to receive the necessary tools to face the day. So my day was wasted, not to mention painful. I will go directly to Him every morning hereinafter.

Take it from me- don’t go into the battlefield without your weapons.

Fiction Opening

What do you think of my opening to my fiction story?

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Having had no idea what day it is (nor caring).  I wake to let my golden retriever outside. The birds happily chirping as the sun slid up from clouds tells me it’s morning, even though my body couldn’t be convinced. Then again, my body is in a state of apathy, more like disappointment, it had to function another day. “Enough was enough!”, it screams as I consider to soothe it with a cup of coffee.

Gypsy wags her tail as my limbs slowly appeal from under the sheets and walk to the bathroom. Even with the dimness of just the morning light, I notice the sunspots on my face from not using sunblock my entire life. No regrets- a little concealer evens it smoothly when I go out, which is as infrequently as possible. Just another “rule” I proudly disobeyed.

Society can’t have an isolated opinion without someone challenging one`s rationale, so I rebel without telling. No one is looking over my shoulder since I have built walls around me – both environmental and emotional.

 

So Scared

I am literally feeling like I am having a heart attack over this financial situation. I found out my neighbor who is also on Social Security Income is gone… he’s living on the streets. This is becoming so real to me.

I know I am a good writer. Somehow, I feel insecure about my writing when applying for paid writing jobs. I have assured my friends who are helping financially that I will find a freelance job by July. I have a list of websites looking for writers. I want to write for Christianity Today and other Christian websites… now, I am adding Disability sources for which to apply.

Why can’t I submit my query letter and application? I’m so scared. I am scared I won’t get a job and my friends will regret helping me. I am of being viewed as a moocher. I am afraid of homeless. I can’t calm down.

I wish my old mom was still around. I feel so alone, and I feel bad not keeping my faith. I want to escape by getting Xanax and drunk. I know it won’t solve anything, yet I can’t calm down.

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

I am trying to keep unwavering faith. For the most part, I make it.

Please tell me everything is going to be fine. I severely panic every now and then. Today I got public assistance to cover June’s electric bill.

June is when they are taking out the entire overpayments. Several friends are helping with June.

After June, my income will be what it was before they raised my rent $70… so I will cut out Sbux, eating out, alcohol, etc.

Unfortunately, I have to renew my car tags and license in August. Plus, my friend got us Def Leppard tickets in Sunrise in August, too. August will be tough to as it’s my birthday month. What matters most is I get to keep Jireh.

Social Security Mistake Brings Peace

Going on the third week after receiving the Social Security letter informing me not only would my SSDI be cutting my monthly income by nearly 25%, my June check will barely cover my rent since they are taking out the total overpayments in one check.
To say I have been petrified is an understatement. I am alone, meaning I have no relatives to help me. In fact, I have 6 major disabilities where I struggle with and daily living activities are challenging. The older I get, the less control I have over my body. Fortunately, I have been independent for my entire adult life, but my body is declining.

Since I fall approximately twice per week, I have a Service Dog named, Jireh, meaning “the Lord will Provide”. Jireh has been with me over 7 years and is truly my best friend. She goes everywhere with me, and is my life companion. With this cut in my check, I can’t afford to keep Jireh. I will barely receive enough money to pay rent and electricity.

So I made plans to send Jireh to a good friend who has money to take care of her as she deserves. As for me, I planned to lay in bed for the rest of my life.
There is one caveat- I dedicated my life to Jesus on May, 15, 1983. My life is not my life… I gave my life to Jesus, meaning I strive to follow Him and glorify God with my life.
This means I can’t wave the white flag and give up. Period. No exceptions.
Fortunately, some extraordinary friends have stepped up and agreed to help me cover June’s bills. Also, I have a few credentials, such as being a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, a Biblical scholar and a published author of several books and numerous technical papers.
This morning, my infinite number of calls and emails resulted in a Social Security Supervisor calling me to set up a court hearing. An hour later, I understood Social Security made a mistake 3 months ago in increasing my income. Since then, my rent has increased by $70. It’s a mess.
Bottom line – After hearing the lady trying every resource to help me (all of which I have contacted to no avail), a sense of resolution washed over me. I interrupted her and said, “Ma’am…I hear you trying everything to help me, and I am so thankful for that. An honest mistake was made. I am not eligible for the income I have been receiving.”… she replied, “I am so sorry… I am trying everything to help you…” I stopped her by continuing, “Ma’am, you have helped me mentally. You have explained the situation and tried everything you could. Thank you. I am going to be fine. I have a strong faith in God, and He has taken care of me my entire life. God has this,” and I thanked her again, wishing her a great day.
Some people will think that is giving up. But no… for me, I got the chance to glorify God. And with my time and talents, I will earn extra money freelance writing about how amazing God is. After all, that is why I was created.