So Scared

I am literally feeling like I am having a heart attack over this financial situation. I found out my neighbor who is also on Social Security Income is gone… he’s living on the streets. This is becoming so real to me.

I know I am a good writer. Somehow, I feel insecure about my writing when applying for paid writing jobs. I have assured my friends who are helping financially that I will find a freelance job by July. I have a list of websites looking for writers. I want to write for Christianity Today and other Christian websites… now, I am adding Disability sources for which to apply.

Why can’t I submit my query letter and application? I’m so scared. I am scared I won’t get a job and my friends will regret helping me. I am of being viewed as a moocher. I am afraid of homeless. I can’t calm down.

I wish my old mom was still around. I feel so alone, and I feel bad not keeping my faith. I want to escape by getting Xanax and drunk. I know it won’t solve anything, yet I can’t calm down.

2 thoughts on “So Scared

  1. The fact that you are afraid and nervous is no indication that you are losing your faith. We are human beings who must deal with life’s trials and Source God is very aware of this (he did create this world, right?). We come here to be human! Your faith is perfectly fine and in tact! Do not let the judgments of others make you think otherwise. They have no business judging your Spiritual path anyway.

    I think that if you apply to these writing jobs your friends will see that you are making a concerted effort and it will not be a problem for them. We cannot control the actions of others (ie the person doing the hiring) but we can control our own actions. You are a very talented writer and I think you should go for it! Put in as many applications as you can. That is the best that you can do and at least you are trying.

    I am praying for you to have peace and that you find a source of income.

    Liked by 1 person

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