Holding On

Woke up to resume fight to get Social Security amount back. Found At&t had double charged my account, leaving me with a negative balance again. I am numb. Apathetic. I don’t care.

8:17 a.m. Basically whatever energy I have within is being spent trying not to go insane. Don’t think I have the strength . Functioning on God’s power inside me. Have fallen past the state of depression. Think God is protecting me with this apathy. Yesterday, I was ready to fight. Now that office hours are open, I’ve made phone calls, only to find things worsening. I know God has this, and God has me,
10:03 a.m. Crohn’s Disease is officially on attack mode. My health conditions seem to gather together… having a reunion inside me. Taking over my mind, body… but never my soul.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. – 2 Corinthians 4:16
Nothing can touch my soul. Once I accepted Jesus as Savior in 8th grade, God sent His Spirit into my heart.
3:30 p.m. The fog lingers… My external situation is worsening, I watch the clock move, anxious because I know Cathy will stop Facetiming me when she gets off work at 5pm. We haven’t talked much, yet having her “with me” is what keeps me from hiding in bed. My Agoraphobia, P.T.S.D. and severe anxiety have all showed up. I am okay with Cathy online with me… but what’s going to happen when she has to go take care of her family?
I will read my Bible and write for the rest of the night. I will be easy on myself as I felt God leading me to redefine my ministry today based on Paul’s ministry in 2 Corinthians 3 and 4. That is not much, but it’s progress. Between discovering a new ministry and making necessary phone calls, I have accomplished a lot considering my entire life is in a state of uncertainty. The details will be soon forgotten, but my reaction will remain. I have faith. I trust God. I am taking this one hour at a time, wanting nothing more than to glorify God.

3 thoughts on “Holding On

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